Happy Easter and April Fools

I feel a little vain, for I am about to write about myself for the next few paragraphs. Unfortunately, but maybe thankfully to you, I will not be boasting about anything. I will only be simply unleashing the recent event in my life categorized as the genre of tragic. But maybe you, the reader, can relate or compare or learn from this non-boasting tragic story. 

I am a runner. A collegiate runner, but most of all a soul runner. I never find running a burden– it is instead beyond a privilege. I was just returning from a stress fracture in my femur ready to take on anything. Ready to free the desire to run that had been squished up and piled in my heart. The desire was cascading out of my aorta, and I was ready to throw it up! However, calling myself a collegiate runner does not feel quite right yet because it feels equivalent to the word ‘poser’ pinching at me. This is because I have not quite gotten the chance to prove myself like I know I can. And now this chance is gone again for quite some time.

I shattered my knee cap into 8 pieces on Easter and went into immediate surgery April Fools morning. Not a funny joke April Fools. 

Now I wont be recovered until mid-junior year. Then how long will it take to get in shape? Anyone? 5 years of school is too much green paper….so no extra time to run. Now what? Should I go for it? Can I make a difference for the team with only my senior year?

So many choices and so many questions that approach the eerie unknown.I guess all I can do right now is ask these questions, and let time give me the answer. Although I remain unsure of the outcome of this suppressed dream I hold so tightly on, there are two things I am sure of: 

The people around me

The fact that I am breathing 

 

Those two things alone dissipate the pity that creeps up my broken knee. They remind me that I am alive. Quite a gift that is.
So when complaining about the bitter cold biting at your cheeks, remember you can feel that.

 

Vivication

Thank You

A Taste of Cascade

Only a bead at ease between cold soil

Hastily, time cast on its switch

And once that bead was exchanged with a limb of wood

Poised, firm, deep in the crust

Additional pieces took its width and buried beneath

Still adolescent, sitting lower from all that is embellished

Bitter cold, fierce winds, has a battle for existence

Yet only secure with superior strength

The figure glistens each hour as drizzle falls

The more the mist places a single leaf.

Once a twig, will not seize to flourish

Now, mounted 20 feet tall, solid as ever

Concrete walls envelop the days luster

Till a grasp for immense heights,

Gives it a prime piece of the world

Comes now the darkest evening, brings shouting in the sky

With a strike a light reaching down for its roots

Laying a scatter of ash, for all t’was flourished

Women

” A woman is like a teabag. You don’t know how strong she is until she is thrown into hot water.”

The Scar

Fate gave her a match with orders to self destruct, and now she has a struggles and a scar to prove it. Although in the midst of all trauma and chaos… flowers, hands, hearts, and a better person sprouted from that match. Self destruction shall not be accepted.

To pity is to give up, and to see past the pain is to see colors assumed unknown.

 

St. Heart

Friend raises 5000 dollars for pediatric cancer towards a head shave!

Marissa

Marissa,
You are a beauty and one tough girl! Making a name for yourself, I never see you give up. Truly inspiring. You have a stunning family with such big hearts who have made a perfect daughter, sister, friend, teammate, and person! You deserve a wonderful birthday due to your wonderful self.

Feel Again

Although I lay here quivering in expected bursts of pain in bed rest, I am happy.
Finally I am content and the person I want to be.
I know, who cares? No one but me, I am sure. But this is a grand accomplishment for me.
Although I am strapped down by hospital casts unable to run,
My mind and heart have never been so free!
Determined and loved I am so thankful for the hearts that bound my life. This painful experience is surprisingly emotionally inspiring. I am determined and ready for dreams, life, and adventures.

Thank you to those who have been here everyday, or just even once. I wish I could stir up a less cliche word for ‘thank you’, but that and a lot of love in return will have to do. Because words just can not illustrate what my heart feels.

Happily Ever After Starts Here

It starts in the midst of fighting,
fighting past the endings
Fighting past hurt
fighting towards dreams
fighting towards friendships

The Happily Ever After is not eternal bliss, no. It is mixed in the air around you with the chaotic melodies. Happily Ever After is right now; do not let all the fighting mistake life as a pandemonium.

There are no limits if you jump.

Just Make It Come True

If you have a dream. Make it come true.

In high school I relied 90% on my natural talent expecting to be the best runner. I believed running my hardest everyday in practice would get me there. Eventually I would get upset in races when I was not improving. It wasn’t until the summer before junior year that I realized there’s more. My Coach begun to stress the quote, “Hard work beats talent when talent won’t work hard.” That was when I made a few more sacrifices; Those little sacrifices made me all the better.

Improving the food that went in my body.
Hydrating constantly, even if I was too lazy to go fill up a water bottle.
Denying late nights to keep a bright mind and body every day.
Wearing tennis shoes instead of flip flops.
Swimming for only 20 minutes a day.

All of those changes probably only consisted of 5% of my day. 5% of change improved my everyday energy and my entire year of outcomes. 5% of changes lead me to win three regional events and place 3rd in three state events. I was the happiest girl in the world.

… and Even if all those changes are myths. I know for a fact that the idea that in your heart of you truly knowing you are doing all you can, it will result in glowing results.

However, this is not a story to flaunt me. This is one I do not boast about for it is in the past and I don’t think I am that great. But I have now decided to share to prove to those out there struggling:

Progress and victory are not matters of self worth.
They are matters of heart and will.
How bad do you want it?
Enough to change 5%?

I know I think I know everything and you are asking, “Why?”
Well I tell you, reaching a dream is the most beautiful scene in the world and in your heart .It is a consciousness that spurts colors of surreal-ness. And once you do, you can then claim a Life. And I tell you, just 5% will change your life. Now, just think what 100% will do!!

Now go get it

Dirty Wings

“It doesn’t make sense to call ourselves ugly, because we don’t really see ourselves. We don’t watch ourselves sleeping in bed, curled up and silent with chests rising and falling with our own rhythm. We don’t see ourselves reading a book, eyes fluttering and glowing. You don’t see yourself looking at someone with love and care inside your heart. There’s no mirror in your way when you’re laughing and smiling and happiness is leaking out of you. You would know exactly how bright and beautiful you are if you saw yourself in the moments where you are truly yourself.”

Why I Don’t Think I Am Beautiful

We we are young we believe everything we are told,
“A tree will grow in your stomach if you eat the seeds.”
“Blue stands for sadness and red stands for passion.”
“George Washington chopped down the cherry tree.”

and

“You are ugly and smelly.”

I sure believed it. It was imprinted in my brain year after year that I was ugly and my ears were way too big to function. That may be why I scrunch my face while I look in the mirror or tuck my ears behind my headband. Because I believed what I was told no matter how often my parents confirmed my beauty.

To everyone who relates,
Do not pity such a horrific branding in the brain. I think harassment is an essential ingredient to the polish your insides need. You were able to build your insides. And for that you are truly beautiful.

Not only is it until later when we develop a defense and sense of opinion. Now it is time to get a different mirror. Or look in the same one with a different perspective. You all are beyond beautiful. Don’t become a bully to yourself.

Simple Reminders

Whatever you worry about now…
the worries will do nothing but dampen the light.

Take a breath and remember whatever your struggles…
it will be worth it in the end.

If there is something you really desire…
you will get it in the end if you really do care.

What’s meant to be, will be…
whether you believe in fate or you believe in perseverance. 

 

We were made to be awesome…

No X Rays

She’s cold.
He’s fat.
She is too quiet.
He always has a frump on his face.
Her ears are huge.
He is dumb.
She’s crazy.
He is fake.

We go around and announce these assumptions as if someone’s outside displays the entire truth. “Taylor Swift is crazy”…Now, tell me those who believe so, have you formed a bond that allows her to unleash her most sensitive and somber thoughts? We might think the deepest she goes is in her songs and define her from there. To me, that is rather shallow of us. Even I keep my most abysmal thoughts from this blog. Only a selective few whom I love know the vast of me. We have to know that everyone does and we must not be so quick to judge.

We all have those first instincts and put labels to someone before we truly get to know them. And that is okay. That is inevitable. But when the time comes and their heart opens up like a map…we are revealed the tracks and scars, and the empty and the whole parts. There is nothing so powerful and awakening as such a revelation. The more people I dig into, the more I wonder, is anyone NOT struggling? I really don’t think so. I just hope we can all remember that our heart and ears can feel and see so much more than the eyes we mistake for and x ray. Remember that next time we make presumptions.

Exactly

“Without running, I would have missed the joy of rain. What could be considered an inconvenience or a bummer to the inexperienced is actually a gift. Without running, I would miss a lot of things—like seeing cities in a certain way, or knowing certain people all the way to the core. I’m glad we don’t experience life through glass, under cover, or from the sidelines. Good things take miles.”

Elizabeth Gilbert

“You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That’s the only thing you should be trying to control.”

Steve Jobs

The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it.

These Words

Blue and bitten we, once in a wile, blend in with the grey skys. Although we blend, we are nowhere near. We float below and hope for positive images from the the stratus blankets.
Only floating.
Only hoping.
We must not wait any longer. We must worry no more, for clouds will not change for us. Nature does not grant us luxury or salvage us from the frozen greys we become trapped in.
All the colors and the shapes we make of sorrow are versatile. We have the strength hidden within to kaleidoscopic-o-fy such distress, but the hardest part is to find the strength to find that strength.
Worry, fear, doubt, and sorrow are traps. They are coated in some blue nicotine that makes them addictive. Do not fall for them. No more. We shall immediately pick up ourselves from the grey and radiate colors. We can. I promise you.

The Power of the Cell

Friday I dropped my phone in water. It took a full fledge dive into the toilet.

The odd thing to me is the amount of people I let down from a simple mistake of  defecting a material block; From 24 hours of a lack of cellular device, I missed my cousins lacrosse game, I stood people up, and left my project members hanging. But, is this really as materialistic as it sounds? I believe our heart rate rises when we loose such a material because everyone is relying on it relying on you. It has been going on for ages : drums, papyrus, pigeon post, smoke signals, semaphore lines, morse code, and more. Many lives relied on this way of communicating.

I really do not know the point I am getting at, but although a phone can to many frivolous things these days– it is connecting us. However, let’s not abandon the personal encounters, for they are the green spirits that adds magic to communication.

How to Cherish

It scares me as I sit here and my mind swims through the past. I frown at myself and ask, “Why didn’t I cherish the events in the moment as much as I do now?” I have come to the short conclusion that you can not fully cherish a moment until it is a memory–otherwise, would you really be “living fully” in that moment?  I believe it is that difficulty of letting go of time that magnifies a memory. All I can say is…

…always live with a small sign in your head (nothing to enveloping  just like a little nerve trigger) telling you one day this moment will become a memory. That is all.

Yes

When a strong person reaches out to you, never turn away. Always grab their outreached hand. Nothing is as important as that moment. It’s integrity, honor, and true compassion. You don’t know what it took to make that call, write that letter, or show up at your door. It may have took a great mountain of hurt, confusion, or sadness for that person to show their vunerability. And as with most things,eventually you will have your moment when you reach out in great need and it will be me on the other side grabbing your hand to say its ok. 

Happens Frequently…

Think of how many people have sat next to you on a bus, train, whatever. Now think how many people have sat next to you on purpose with their fingers crossed in hope that you’ll talk to them. I’m sure somebody has. There’s plenty of times when somebody’s seen you and hoped that you spoke to them, but you never did because you don’t have the guts and neither do they. Don’t go around thinking nobody likes you and that you’re not loved. There’s been plenty of times when a stranger has spotted you and thought “Oh, they’re just my type” but haven’t had the courage or confidence to open their mouth and initiate a conversation. The funny thing is, neither have you.

People are…

…“just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be. When I look at a sunset, I don’t find myself saying, “Soften the orange a bit on the right hand corner.” I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch with awe as it unfolds.”

Love Is…

…a force more formidable than any other. It is invisible – it cannot be seen or measured, yet it is powerful enough to transform you in a moment, and offer you more joy than any material possession could.

— Thich Nhat Hanh

We are very good at preparing to live, but not very good at living. We know how to sacrifice ten years for a diploma, and we are willing to work very hard to get a job, a car, a house, and so on. But we have difficulty remembering that we are alive in the present moment, the only moment there is for us to be alive. 

Dog Heart

if you locked your boyfriend and your dog in a trunk for a week and then opened it the boyfriend would probably be pissed but the dog would be happy to see you also known as reasons why dogs are better than boyfriends…

The Best Things in Life are Not Things

Is it better to burn than fade away?

Well you see, burning leaves you empty of chances and absent of hope. You cannot reverse a burn. You cannot put the bullet back in the gun or take the scar off your back.  The only light in an austere burn is the illuminating flames. Ashes are the only remains. 

However if you are frankly fading away, the remains are only stored. In the midst of perish, the opacity of your soul unawarely increases. Unfortunately, the debris are disguised by affliction and ache. Fortunately, fortitude in in your discretion. It is your own choice to vanquish the self pity. Will you polish your old debris? Will you paint colors your never knew existed?  

Love is Never Absent

I was having the usual deep talks with one of my close friends. She said something so simple but so pure and meaningful. “I just do not think love is ever absent!” She said as we were talking about good and evil. Although I have generally thought that, I never put it into words. But now that I think about it…

If you hate someone… there has to be love in that (strength covered love).
If you hit someone… there has to be love in that (caring-ness).
If you pick one someone… there has to be love in that (jealousy).

Whatever love is… It is greater than all of us. It is greater than everything that is possibly around my finger. It never leaves our sides. No matter how much we push it away. That is what controls us. Love.

“I tell you these stories because these things happen to everyone. It’s not about being starched or polished or cute or polite. It’s about having ears that stick out, about breaking yet another glass. It’s about seeing something for the first time and making a million mistakes and not ever getting completely discouraged.” — Maira […]

“And don’t you say you’re dead cause baby you’re not dead”

Wiser Than Cyber

I have known a handful of people who can sit alone at their stimulating screens for hours. When it comes to a career or research, such actions are fully understandable. But these people rely solely on scrolling through entertainment and the lives of others. I apologize, for this is the part of me where I think I know everything and I ask, “What a sort of life is that?” This is a bit bold of me to say, but to those I just have a few questions to help me understand…

What are to positives of such solitude?
What about your own adventures?
What about the power of personal interaction?
The energy?
The spirits?
…Do you want to be 80 years old and most your stories to your grandchildren are of your friends’ chuckling statuses?

This is just something I can not quite understand. Sure it is easier: it does not require personality or much risk. Plus, the cyber world can only go so deep. Compare this to the world of love. Just a campfire and a chunk of human bodies whom contain feelings and thoughts are more magical than the quickness of internet information.The souls of your friends challenging you are the gears to a better life…not finding the keys of the keyboard. I promise you, a life of human love is all that matters.
Just think about it next time two hours pass in front of a screen…Take a walk down the street. Just a walk can change your life. There is nothing like the freedom of the outside air, and the magic of anticipation to be the light. You could even create an entire story to tell your children: one about a good deed, or one where you met the love of your life or one where a wise Yoda that pushes you to the edge. What is coming next can be the most stunning of all… and all you do is have to take a walk.

The Johnson Gem

Amanda flew this day, but little does she know she was flying all along– Inspiring tenderness, dreams, and heart in others. I am thankful to call her a best friend.
Anyone is lucky to know her…
“Celebrate her compassion… she not only say a light at the end of the tunnel she became that light for others.
Celebrate her strength… she held her head high and looked the world straight in the eye.
Celebrate her resiliency… she saw every ending as a new beginning.
Celebrate her daring… she took the leap and built her wings on the way down.
Celebrate her wisdom… she listened to her heart above all the other voices.
Celebrate her presence…she added so much beauty into just being human.
Celebrate her goal…she turned her cant’s into cans and her dreams into plans.
Celebrate her self esteem… She discovered her real measurements had nothing to do with numbers or statistics.
Celebrate her tenderness…she was kind loving and patient with herself.
Celebrate Her friendship…she walked in when everyone else walked out.”

Why are you stinky with yourselves? Why are you holding back? What are you saving for–for another time? There are no other times. This is only now. Right now.

Music is Moving

Bullet in a Gun by Delorentos

Magic Blood and Rap

My new video project. Just for fun:)

… do we being to find ourselves. -Henry David Thoreau

…you think you have time. -Budda

Perfect Words by Emma Watson

• I find the whole concept of being ‘sexy’ embarrassing and confusing. If I do a photo-shoot people desperately want to change me – dye my hair blonder, pluck my eyebrows, give me a fringe. Then there’s the choice of clothes. I know everyone wants a picture of me in a mini-skirt. But that’s not me. I feel uncomfortable. I’d never go out in a mini-skirt. It is nothing to do with protecting the Hermione image. I would not do that. Personally, I don’t actually think it’s even that sexy. What’s sexy about saying, “I’m here with my boobs out and a short skirt… have a look at everything I’ve got”? My idea of sexy is that less is more. The less you reveal the more people can wonder.

Questions To Those

Why ever do you smile when they only contact you on their own convenience?
Why ever to you flirt back when they are committed to another?
Why ever do you give time when you are not a second of theirs?
Why ever do you lose any respect for yourself?
Since when is being controlling endearing?
Since when are lies never uncovered?
Since when have we lost our indecency? a girls modesty? and a man’s gentle approach?

We are so full of hope–which sometimes is the leading death. We hope for fairy tales as soon as possible. We fight for someone who treats us littler than we are because of this hope materializing false romantic miracles.The truth is in the patience my friends. A beautiful tale is worth waiting for. So if you want a fairy tale follow these simple rules.

1.Be you.
2.Stay strong to your morals.
3.Have your own world. So not wait for another’s.
4.Be honest.
5.Be slow.
6.Stand up for yourself.
7.Project your self-respect.
8.Listen closely.
9.Give.
10.Share
11. Trust but do not be oblivious.
12. Forgive but do not crawl.
13. The best one of all.. appreciate.

Just a Pair of Balls and Few Seconds

Many of us stroll around life as if we are controlled holograms (or robots)–bound by laws, expectations, and traditions. We must grow up, must avoid any mental disease, must collect green paper, and must have a family. Then after a while we are burned. I am not sure what happens after the grand death we all are destined to. The possibilities are quite creative: heaven, hell, reincarnation, wandering spirits, zombies, or absolutely nothing. However, I do know that we are not a joke. We may be holograms (many theories on that shit), but I know we are not robots. We are cognizant. We have sensibility and affinity, and we each emit an individual ambience with the power to stimulate each other.
Then… there is love–an abstract word that is concreted in the infinite walls of our aura. It flows through the greens and the blues, the poor and the rich, the smiles and the frowns. Not a feeling, but an art. Art in which we have a lifetime to complete;but there is urgency in that. Risks are tied back by consequences, hindering the most beautiful of colors. So below I suggest ways we can grow a pair of holographic balls, and turn a few seconds into some beautiful rough non-robotic etchings.

Fighting for a passion instead of money involves more risks, but more beautiful results.
Few seconds of assertiveness and heart = smiles.

Afraid to the girl/guy of your dreams how you feel?
Few seconds of courage= love….or the truth ( which can set you free)

Bashful about talking to random strangers?
Few seconds of selflessness= a lifted heart and a fresh story

Scared to stand up for yourself?
few seconds of that= a damn good feeling

Scared to love?
Well that is a whole other story….

From Interrupted Meditation By Robert Hass

“Everyone their own devastation. Each on its own scale.
I don’t know what the key opens. I know we die,
and don’t know what is at the end. We don’t behave well.
And there are monsters out there, and millions of others
to carry out their orders. We live half our lives
in fantasy, and words. This morning I am pretending
to be walking down the mountain in the heat.
A vault of blue sky, traildust, the sweet medicinal
scent of mountain grasses, and at trailside—
I’m a little ashamed that I want to end this poem
singing, but I want to end this poem singing—the wooly
closed-down buds of the sunflower to which, in English,
someone gave the name, sometime, of pearly everlasting.”